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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28914486">Swallow Me Whole</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugar_loaf/pseuds/sugar_loaf'>sugar_loaf</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Swallow Me Whole [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Episode: s05e08 The Hollow Queen, F/M, Jealousy, M/M, Oblivious Arthur, Pining</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:55:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,085</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28914486</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugar_loaf/pseuds/sugar_loaf</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur thinks Merlin is seeing a girl; he's not. </p><p>There are only two sides to a coin.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Swallow Me Whole [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2120658</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>118</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Swallow Me Whole</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>My first ever fic! Just a self-indulgent idea about what happened between 5x08 and 5x09. I hope you like it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The ache in Merlin’s leg lanced him with every step, anchoring his thoughts to Daegal. The firm pressure of his bandage. The fruit platter at the table’s centre, crowned with an apple. </p><p>Arthurs’ voice drew him from his reverie. </p><p>‘I can’t believe how lucky I was. I owe that boy my life, and I didn’t even know his name. He’ll have to have a proper burial’. </p><p>‘I can arrange that, sire, if you’ll allow me the time,’ Merlin offered. Daegal had lost his life to help him save Arthur, had come back to save Merlin even when he didn’t have to. </p><p>‘Oh, so you can see that girl again?’ Arthur enunciated. </p><p>‘What?’ Merlin muttered, limping towards Gwen, who was not Gwen, who was a vessel for Morgana and had unwittingly caused Daegal’s death - </p><p><em>‘Gi-irl,’</em> Arthur drawled. </p><p>‘Don’t have one,’ Merlin huffed.</p><p>Since Freya there had only been Arthur. Merlin was like a shadow, always hovering at Arthur’s side. Fingers labouring over every link in Arthur’s chainmail to make it shine as brightly as its King.  Hands ghosting over Arthur’s arms as he dressed him in the morning, dizzyingly gold as the sun lit him from behind. Climbing the castle walls in the dead of night to use his magic to save Arthur even though Arthur would just as soon burn him alive for it; but he had to save him anyway despite that because <em>a half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole -</em> </p><p>There are only two sides to a coin. There wasn’t room for a girl. </p><p>‘That’s not what Guinevere says,’ said Arthur. </p><p>Merlin’s eyes snapped to Gwen’s as a guileless smile graced her lips. ‘Right,’ he said, staring intently at her. That would explain why no one seemed concerned with his absence and why Arthur was being almost uncharacteristically charitable at him leaving without permission. Doe-brown eyes blinked at him in response. </p><p>‘So why don’t you tell us all about her?’ Arthur said, completely oblivious to the intensity of Merlin’s gaze. ‘And why you’re walking with a limp,’ He added with mild confusion. </p><p>Merlin stared Gwen down as he poured her wine. He and Arthur had both been minutes from death because of her. </p><p>‘Twisted my ankle climbing the stairs to get to the assassin in the gallery,’ he lied with haunting ease.  </p><p>‘You know Merlin, I think only you could manage to look like a fool while saving my life. I’m starting to pity this girl more and more’. </p><p>‘Yes, well,' - there was a clatter as Merlin banged the empty bread plates into a stack with more force than was necessary. ‘ – It’s one of my many talents, <em>sire</em>’.</p><p>A mirthful smile played at the corner of Arthur’s lips. ‘Come on now, Merlin, don’t keep holding out on us. At least give us a name.’ </p><p>And gods, Arthur really had no idea, did he? His insides twisted. Even his dreams were filled with Arthur, mortally wounded as he slid off Mordred’s sword. </p><p>It was Gwen who spared him, even if it was only to stop him telling Arthur the truth.  </p><p>‘Oh, leave him alone Arthur. This is exactly why he didn’t tell you, you won’t be able to stop teasing him about it. I’m sorry I said anything, Merlin. It’s just everyone was so worried about where you were. They thought something awful had happened to you.’ </p><p>‘No, it’s fine. Of course I understand.’ Arthur couldn’t see the way Merlin’s lips pursed from where he was seated in front of him. </p><p>‘You know Merlin, I seem to remember you wouldn’t stop prattling on until I talked about Guinevere when we rescued her from being kept hostage.’</p><p>‘Arthur,’ Guinevere chided, looking up at him under raised eyebrows. Arthur blew out an exasperated breath.</p><p>‘Alright then. You’re off the hook this time Merlin, but only because your Queen demands it.’ He raised his goblet to her in a toast and downed the remaining contents as he stood, then reached her side in two bold steps. He lowered himself to one knee and kissed the back of her hand. ‘My Queen,’ he said huskily, gazing at her with heady eyes. </p><p>Merlin’s stomach roiled. </p><p>He cleared his throat loudly. ‘I’ll clean the table sire, then if there’s nothing else I’ll be on my way to start arranging Daegal’s burial. I’ll need tomorrow morning off.’</p><p>‘Yes, of course,’ he said absently. Gwen caressed Arthur’s hand as his other arm circled her waist. Merlin had never wished he could use his magic for chores as much as he did now. The sound of soft murmurs and hands sliding over fabric carried towards the bed.  </p><p>‘Goodnight, sire. My lady,’ He choked. Arthur’s head lifted from where it was buried in Guinevere’s neck. </p><p>‘Don’t think I’ve forgotten about this girl, Merlin. If someone has against all odds managed to fall for you, I want to know everything about her.’</p><p>Merlin bowed his head and swallowed thickly before heading silently to the door, laden with platters and jugs. As he slipped through the threshold he glanced back against his better judgement. The sight paralysed him. </p><p>He knew what went on between husband and wife, and knew that this would happen when Arthur married Gwen. Yet he hadn’t really <em>known</em> until he had seen them. What could have prepared him for the sight of Arthur pressing Guinevere into the bed, hot and powerful, one leg between her thighs as his mouth devoured hers like a man dying of hunger? Merlin was rooted to the spot for an eternal second as Arthur groaned and slid his hands into the dark cascade of Gwen’s hair, then he slammed the door behind him and slid down against it in the corridor, sickened and shaking.</p><p>It was just because Gwen was being controlled, he told himself. Because Arthur didn’t know he was sleeping with a shell of his wife, and because Gwen would be horrified at herself for the duplicity of lying with him as she plotted his death. </p><p>He resolutely ignored the familiarity of the dread ache in his heart, having experienced it the very first time he saw them together and every time since for the last two and a half years. </p><p>There are only two sides to a coin, but sometimes he wondered if it was Arthur or Arthur’s destiny on the other side. Because while Merlin’s life revolved around Arthur so much he felt as if the man had consumed his soul, Arthur would never love him the same way Merlin did.</p>
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